The Pool

From childhood I have this memory which haunts me from time to time. The memory is similar to ones that many people have from some point in there childhood. In this memory, I come upon a swimming hole. There I climb to the top of this cliff-like rock which overhangs the pool, and then, when the time comes to jump, angst begins to melt my will. While perched on the edge of the high rock, a voice in my head, like hind sight from the future, seems to be saying, "that was really dumb, now wasn't it." as if I was about to exercise extremely poor judgment. Or maybe it's just guilt filtering up from the depths of my mind, taking the form or a reproachful warning from my youth. Really, I was much more comfortable and at peace with myself down by the pool. All these thoughts muddle my mind, weakening my resolution and breaking my concentration until finally, a nexus is reached. If I'm going to do this I must get to it, put everything else aside and go over the edge. (The existentialist is of the proper frame of mind for these kinds of undertakings. No questions of right or wrong and no concerns about the future. Well, maybe that is not the best coarse.) Otherwise I might as well climb back down saying how I enjoyed the view and that I am just in the mood for a little swim.

After all it's rather insignificant in the overall scheme of things whether we do one thing or another. I might be dead by now if life had taken a different turn, and so be it. I'd prefer it to being, say, one of those self absorbed folk who spend much of their time complaining about how selfish and ignorant people are without doing anything about it. I could instead be one of those real gems that you find, here and there, among the crowds, seeming rather out of place really. You can't always spot them from a distance, but when you run into them they help to smooth out some of your ruff edges. Or I could cling to the memories of these people to remind me that everything really is OK, and maybe then I could continue in my own ignorance, content that maybe someone better than myself is taking care of things.

As we grow older we, as rational human beings, can not ignore the lessons we learn from experience, not forever anyway. In disillusionment we realize that those gems we idolize, the ones we have entrusted our very worlds, turn out to be not much better than ourselves. With that revelation we are perched once again on the edge. The water hole below us no longer contains the cool calm waters of innocence and ignorance but the cold tumultuous realities of responsibly.

The voice in my head that speaks doubt asks, "Must I begin to take responsibility for the world around me? Should I have the courage to accept my share of the blame when things go wrong, and then do something about it? Or should I just back down and let someone else?"

The main object of this analogy is not the pool but the decision. It looks like such a long way to fall just to take a swim. Echoing up from the depths of ones mind comes the remembrance of how comfortable ignorance seems. What difference would this one jump make in the general scheme of things. I could climb back down and say how I did not enjoy the view and how I would merely like to take a swim. At such a moment as this one might realize that he or she has come full circle, and any further he can not get without retracing his steps.

Carefully I climbed back down the rock and into the water feeling relieved and refreshed by the cool water. As I began to swim a voice cried out from above, "Look out below there's divers comin down." Rather than have somebody land foot first on my head I stayed to the edges. Looking back on this I realize for the first time what full circle really means. It's a question of destiny. It is a simple question of whether we will continue to be part of the circle, or break it by jumping into the pool. The question is, will I be part of the problem, perpetuating the cycle, or will I become part of the solution? To be part of the solution you have to dive in, because we do not live in hazy overall generalities, but instead, in undeniable, unavoidable specifics which govern every part of our lives.

With a forward push one clears the rock and begins to fall at an alarming rate. The mind is filled with the thrill of fear and of overcoming fear. Upon hitting the water a strong stinging sensation assaults the senses, the result of an uncontrolled and rather clumsy fall. In spite of all that everything is still in tact and it wasn't nearly as far as it had seemed. In fact it was exhilarating. We swim to the side knowing that the next time we'll do better. We climb out of the pool and stand shining in the sun, with a few less ruff edges.

Back to Arts & Lit

Back to the Home page